3 weeks in and I’ve faulted for the first time of posting 3 posts a week. I’m actually at peace with it now at the time of writing this post. But a few days ago I was far from at peace. I was ready to pull my own hair out and give up on writing altogether.
My typical, fairly loose, schedule has been to write one post over Monday and Tuesday and then another over Wednesday and Thursday and finally my last post of the week over Saturday and Sunday.
For the first couple of weeks, this was working well but then I got stuck in my own head along with going back to therapy which hindered my ability to write and stick to the commitment I had made. Nether-the-less I didn’t falter and was able to make the posts on time.
This week was different. From the get-go I wasn’t in the mood to write. Time wasn’t an issue. I have had plenty of time to write. If anything I have too much time to write.
Apart from the odd day with some stomach pain and feeling a bit low at times I have generally felt better in myself. With feeling better I have been more inclined to get outside with my camera. The last month I haven’t got out much and I felt I needed to get out and enjoy myself.
This came at a cost though. I struggled to find a balance between both. What ended up happening was photography became the priority instead of writing. Photography and travel are hobbies of mine whereas writing is the thing I do to work towards my purpose in life. It is also the thing I have made a commitment to in order to work at my issues with commitment.
My problem with commitment
I have lived my whole life out of fear. Fear of my parents. And then the fear of anxiety and IBS. With the fear of my parents it forced me to never give up with whatever it was I was doing due to the consequences I would possibly face. In recent years as my mental health has worsened, the fear of my parents has been overshadowed by the fear of anxiety, IBS and all the rest that comes with them.
This fear along with the illnesses has deeply affected my life and one of the things it certainly has affected is I now can no longer commit to anything. I had quite frankly given up due to the unpredictability of my mental health.
Not too long ago I was stuck with no idea what to do and actually for a lot of my own efforts was making myself worse.
Thankfully with the help of my amazing therapist I have accepted my anxiety and have made some huge changes in my life recently and have started getting myself back on track towards living a more fulfilling life. I have also learnt to start living my life in a more value-driven way rather than through fear.
Through all of the external help, I have been getting I have started to do more myself. I have noticed areas where I want to get better and improve. I am now applying what I have learnt through therapy, with some guidance here and there, to continue making more progress. One of those things is working on commitments even more than I already have done outside of the commitment to take care of my mental health.
I guess I am still in the figuring my life out moving forward stage. There is no doubt in my mind I have to accept I am still going to have bad days due to my mental health which are going to impact my productivity. I am still trying to find a balance between my commitment to taking care of my mental health and my new commitment to writing again as well as taking time to enjoy myself.
Self-discipline is massively important when it comes to what I am doing. There is no one to make me do anything and I am only impacting myself negatively if I chose to give in and accept my life as it is.
More importantly though what I need to do is give myself more credit. Up until the last few months I was barely able to leave the house. I haven’t worked for close to 3 years. Therapy is the one thing I have committed to and even then I have missed plenty of sessions due to health reasons.
I am trying to build a more fulfilling life around my conditions and realistically and I am doing a fantastic job. All I need to do is keep persevering and doing what I am doing. Everything will fall into place when it is supposed to.