One reoccurring theme this week has been me having one identity crisis after another. It has been an all too familiar thing I go through as I contemplate, or in this case take action towards, doing something new.
My life has slowly started moving forward again after being grounded to a halt for quite some time. So getting back into the swing of things has been challenging to say the least. And that is at every step along the way so far in my recovery. I also imagine it will be this way forever as that is part of life. I just hope it will get somewhat easier the more I do it.
Striking a balance always seems easy in theory
Right now I am trying to balance taking care of my general mental health. Whilst still working on overcoming my panic disorder and agoraphobia and then also still learning to live with my anxiety and depression. Oh yeah and then on top of that my IBS as well (which I think I almost have under control again). Plus because things have been going quite well and I have generally been feeling better in myself, I have been looking to progress further and start looking towards adding more productive things in to my day which are going to benefit me when I eventually integrate myself back into the working world or going back into education or both.
As you know I have started this blog and I am aiming to start off with posting 3 times per week. On a Wednesday, Friday and then The Weekly, on a Sunday. I think that is a fair amount of posts to start off with. I have published How You Can Help Yourself Right Now and Accepting I May Always Suffer From Anxiety this week. The main issue is I haven’t been this structured in a long time.
Stuck in my head again
For the most part, the writing has been the toughest part to do. Now I love writing. Well, at least when I am in the mood. The words flow easily and naturally and I get a real sense of joy when the vision I had for a post transpires on to the page.
The issue is the vision I have for the blog is much bigger than one post. My writing is more than just my story. My purpose (link weekly 1) is the driving force behind this new venture I have undertaken and it has got to the point where it is the thing I think about 90% of the time.
Thinking about the bigger picture has become a problem and takes away my ability to focus on what I need to be doing because I become stuck in my head. Being stuck in my head then hinders my progress of writing because I can concentrate which causes me anxiety which in turn makes me further stuck in my own head. That then that leads to me neglecting other things in my life I should be doing like taking care of my mental health which then affects my ability to function altogether and I end up back in a place I would rather not be.
Not to say it has quite got that far but I have definitely felt myself heading towards that place at times this week.
The way forward
As I lay in bed last night, I remembered something which had resonated with me massively in therapy when I was struggling with the bigger picture when it came to getting better. My therapist told me to stop looking 100 steps ahead and just focus on the next step.
I still apply this all the time when it comes to managing my anxiety and panic disorder. I know where I would like to be. But I know I can only get there by focusing on the next step and when I achieve that step then move on to the following step and so forth. I rarely look too far ahead aside what I need to do next and I take small steps every day to achieve where I want to get to.
Somewhere along the way though I forgot to apply that to the rest of my life. It is something I have struggled with for as long as I can remember. That overwhelming feeling of that I will never achieve my potential. However, through what I learnt in therapy I know taking small steps every day will get me closer towards where I want to be.
As of today, I am forgetting the bigger picture for the time being and solely focusing on the next step. Until I can successfully publish 3 posts a week and find the right balance whilst maintaining everything else in my life then I don’t need to worry about anything else. My mental health is the most important thing in my life and the last thing I want to do is jeopardise it.