Losing My Mind
I've always been a very perceptive person. Quite clued in to what's going on and very observative. This could be down to my anxious mindset growing up. I would go over and over everything. Think of every scenario before it even happened. Rule out all the possibilities. Make sure I had everything ready the night before. Even double/triple checking.
Now having periods of being depressed. That all seems to have gone. Going from caring and overthinking everything to hardly caring about anything at all.
I feel as though I'm losing my mind. Almost daily I feel as though my head is constantly hurting. A dull headache that isn't going anywhere. As soon as I open my eyes in the morning till I go to sleep. During certain periods of the day it will become noticeably worse but when I am busy and my mind is preoccupied I won't notice it as much.
I've started to become very forgetful. The first time I really noticed how bad it was getting was when I recently went to Nottingham. I got three flights of steps down the carpark when I realised I had left my wallet and parking ticket in the car. Only a few days later I drove to ASDA and when I pulled into the carpark I realised my wallet was at home.
From this point I remembered all the times over the last four or five months where I've gone places and done things and afterwards had to spend time remembering where I've been or how I got there. This is still continuing and even happened last night. Whilst in London this week I also completely forgot where I parked my car and again when I was at Cannock Chase. I'm finding myself relying more and more on a sat nav when I'm driving because I feel as though I'm losing my sense of direction.
This for me is incredibly strange. I have always had a really good memory. It may only be small things but things that previously I've never had any problem with remembering.
I have spent a lot of today and the last week reading about mental illness to gain a better understanding and other possible ways to help myself. This is when I came across 'Mania and Hypomania'. I was reading this webpage http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/hypomania-and-mania/about-hypomania-and-mania/#.WI5wfraLSRs . I had the same feeling as when I read about anxiety disorders and depression. I felt as though I was reading everything I was going through. Not quite mania but especially every point in the table of hypomania.
One of the things that really stood out to me was that after episodes of hypomania it is usually followed by periods of depression.
I've been saying for a long time that I don't suffer with depression for long periods of time but it does seem a possibility that I could be going through hypomanic episodes multiple times a week and then becoming depressed following these episodes.
I may very well be talking myself into all of this. Trying to find an answer that I am so desperate for.
I plan on visiting the doctors tomorrow to have a checkin with them and discuss this further.
Overall this week has been very up and down. I've done a lot and at times feeling as though I am getting on top of my mental health. It has been noticed by others that I am not as bad as I have been in recent times. Then the rest of the time finding myself very depressed.
I have an assessment for a private therapist next Monday. I may finally have in place some therapy going forward. It will be interesting to see how the therapy will help me going forward.
I apologise if this isn't the best of reads. I really haven't felt like writing today at all. Been finding it incredibly difficult to concentrate or even think straight.