A New Day And A New Week

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 08.01.2107 - 15.01.2017

Now what I wanted to achieve this week was gaining more structure back into my life, I will be writing an in depth post about structure at some point on a Wednesday, but for now I didn't have a lot of structure in my life at all. My sleeping pattern was out the window. I was barely eating or when I was, I was binging. The gym I could barely remember what it looked like and my life had become very erratic.

As I'm almost doing the Monday and Sunday post in one for this week I will focus on a few key areas to keep from rambling on;

Food

I had been trying to get a few things in place previously but with very little success or effort on my part. I woke up Monday morning very optimistic. The day started off with me making an omelette for myself. This was the first time I had made or eaten breakfast in a very long time, usually because I was so use to waking up late and it being lunch time.

From there I proceeded to prep my next 5 days worth of food. The reason behind this is for one it would take the pressure off of me having to cook if there was times when I felt low. Two also I am keen to slim down slightly and become more defined and this meant I could work out all the calories I was going to be intaking throughout the week. My calorie count was going to be 1600 and my macros 165g of Protein, 80g Carbs and 70g of fats. Some images below;

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The first 3 days were difficult but I managed to get through and stick to what I had prepared. It was only when my mood dropped during the fourth day that I started to slip. Thursday night I ended up taking a trip to Mcdonalds because food is often what I will turn to in a low mood. Friday night the same this time half 3 in the morning. Which lead to Saturday when I had no food prepared and still being incredibly low I had a dominos and all my hard work had gone out the window.

Sleep

Sleep use to be my best friend. For as long as I could remember I always loved sleeping. If I ever go through the family photos there is numerous photos of me fast asleep in various places at anytime of the day.

It had also been my go to thing to do during my difficulties with anxiety. It was the only time I was truly able to fully escape. In recent times though I had taken a 180 degree turn and have been finding it significantly difficult to get to sleep no matter what I tried.

Going forward I decided to make sure I was going to bed between 11pm and 1am at the latest. Getting a good 7 or 8 hours sleep and no more.

I had been trying to sleep better for most of last week but to no success. Monday was the first time I managed what I set out to do and this carried on for Tuesday and Wednesday. Much like the eating, in sync with my mood came the end of the sleep pattern I had worked on. Struggling to fall asleep, having a disrupted nights sleep and back to waking up feeling groggy.

Gym & Football

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Back when I was 16 I gave up participating in sport because I no longer enjoyed it. I wanted to take the time away to hopefully find that enjoyment again and one day get back into it.

This brought on me losing all of my fitness and so I started going to the gym when I was 17.

A very familiar pattern has since been followed. Every time I feel good I will be in the gym more or less everyday and you guessed it when I'm feeling low that will dry up. It then becomes increasingly difficult to get back into.

Since everything got all a bit too much back in December I hadn't stepped foot in a gym. Monday was my first day back and I signed up to a new gym. It felt good to be back. I had missed that tight feeling you get from a good workout. Waking up the next day and feeling sore but in a good way.

Wednesday instead of the gym I went to football training. I had recently signed for a new team and I was enjoying being back playing again. My love for playing football had some what come back over the last year.

Being on the medication over the last few months though had resulted in me having panic attacks on the pitch and not being fully with it or feeling involved during training and games.

I was feeling good though and had a great training session. The weekend before I had opted against playing due to coming off the medication. I wanted to be in a good place before playing again.

My mood

I have already mentioned my mood playing a big part in knocking me off what I was setting out to achieve.

At the start of the week I was on top of the world. Ready to take on everything and overcome anything in my way. I dove straight into putting all these things in place and they were paying off as far as I could tell.

Now here is the important thing. Nothing changed in what I was doing to why my mood changed.

It literally was like someone had switched a switch in my head and that was it. I tried to hold on and not let it get too bad but that didn't work and by Saturday I was at a very low point.

It was around Thursday. I had been to see a Therapist for my assessment but I hadn't slept well the previous night and woke up not feeling great. I opted out of this particular therapy because they couldn't offer me anything longer than 6 to 8 weeks and what I need right now is something a bit more indefinite.

When I got home I wasn't feeling great. The buzz I'd had at the start of the week had gone and it got worse throughout the day. I went bowling that night but at one point I found myself staring into space sat on my own and I knew I was low again. I'm usually so involved in whatever is going on.

Due to this change in my mood I had stopped going to the gym. I started to feel apprehensive about football at the weekend and when Saturday rolled around I was still feeling very low. I went along hoping it may lift my mood.

Anyway it didn't. I played 5 minutes at the end of the game. My mood had got even worse and I was in a very very low place. Everything became very hard to comprehend. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I couldn't talk to anyone and I resorted to getting into bed just lying there looking into space. Not even trying to sleep.

Thankfully I woke up Sunday in a lot better mood. Everything felt a bit more level. Not low but not happy.

A good starting point to go into next week with.

A very up and down week to say the least. At times I felt back to square one. I am still staying positive though. Next week will be better.