When is it going to ease up?

Two weeks! Two weeks since I woke up in this current episode. This time I've had a realisation that it has never been due to a situation in my life.

I almost wanted it to be due to something happening in my life causing me to feel depressed. That way I could change certain things in my life and alter my current lifestyle in hope my depression would no longer be present.

It took a while to get to this realisation and it wasn't done on my own. Through speaking openly, writing, researching and having people around me genuinely interested in helping me get better. This all continuously helps me understand more every day of what exactly is going on.

On another note when the depression takes over, my anxiety seems to take a back step. My worry is replaced by not caring. But, at the same time being depressed I don't put myself in situations in which I would get anxious.

Last week

So last week was very much the same as the previous week. I really didn't do a lot.

I have been struggling to sleep meaning I'm up till 3/4 in the morning most nights. Then getting my eight hours and waking up at midday really groggy. Which then makes me not want to sleep because I know I'll have to go through waking up feeling awful the following day.

Last Saturday I also decided to stop drinking alcohol. I had been drinking a lot recently trying to escape. Chasing the small amount of happiness you get whilst drunk. But, being depressed and trying to get through the day with a hangover was becoming increasingly difficult.

A week has passed and I can't say I feel any better for it. Yes, I don't have to experience the hangovers and I'm spending far less money but I do miss it. I haven't quite decided how long I plan on not drinking for however, it is best in the long run.

My memory has deteriorated again and my head constantly hurts. I've started having to use a to-do app and actually making use of the calendar app on my phone to remember anything important.

The fluctuations

This last week, at times I thought I was coming out of this current episode. I started to feel more level throughout the day which enabled me to get on with things I had been unable to bring myself to do over the last couple of weeks. They wouldn't last for long though and without warning, I would crash.

There were times where I felt on top of the world. I felt quite literally off my face, on such a high. Being on such a high it is equally difficult to do anything, as I can't concentrate and try to everything at once. But, again I crash without warning.

The extreme fluctuation is hard to deal with as you almost start to get used to feeling a certain way and then everything changes again making everything so much more difficult to get your head around.

Update with the Psychiatrist

After chasing my psychiatrist appointment up a couple of times last week I was told they had received my referral. They would be making a decision last Friday and then give me a call. Being reluctant to ring a third time and not getting a callback, I waited until this morning and thankfully they have agreed to see me.

Just one mix up that either I was told the wrong date or I took it down wrong. Either way, my appointment is this Thursday instead.

To conclude

I can't say it was a good week or a bad week.

I feel a bit at a standstill, trying to make the most of the rare occasions where I feel level, hoping they come more and more often.

There are some signs I am back on the up but no timescale to how long it could take.

Looking forward to seeing the psychiatrist and hopefully, it all goes well and I get what I want and need out of it.