Almost a Good Week, Almost
At last a good week. All too long since I've been able to say that. Well up until right now. I still feel as though I'm stumbling through life trying to figure out how to effectively manage my mental health. For now though it is starting to improve but If I can find out exactly why this happens I can hopefully stop it happening in the future.
Optimism - A word I'm not too fond of currently. Every time I become optimistic it's thrown back in my face. I'll have a few good days and then for no reason I no longer care at all and feel depressed again.
I take each day as it comes. Not looking too far ahead and trying to enjoy every moment.
The last week genuinely has been really good, some low moods here and there but nothing quite as much as they've been in the past. Writing this now after a couple of pints. I can tell I feel a bit strange. I don't quite feel myself. The joy sucked out of everything. Five minutes a go, fully immersed in conversation laughing and joking. Now quiet and reserved. Planning how I can leave without all the questions which are bound to follow. I want to take myself away. Cancel all the plans I had for the evening.
I'm a very open minded person but now so narrow minded. The future is something I can't even imagine.
The mind is such a powerful tool. More powerful than I ever knew. All week questioning if I do really have the mental health issues I've come all too familiar with. Now I remember it's far too real. Sat at the table no one any wiser. A brace face on. The face that I stopped using but after a good week and reassuring everyone I'm getting better, it feels needed. Needed to hide the fact of how I'm feeling.
Right now genuinely wanting to cry and curl up in a ball and hope it all goes away.
The Last Week
On Monday I set out a few things I wanted to focus on. I took the pressure I had been putting on myself away and it really did help.
My sleep all week has been good. I've been eating three meals a day. I managed to go to the gym three times this week. Football training was good. I managed some exercise in the morning but not quite as much as I would have liked. The last thing was the mindfulness which I didn't quite manage the 10 minutes a day I wanted to, unless I needed it when I was feeling anxious.
Focusing on what makes me happy seems to have helped the most. Not putting myself in situations which are high pressure and stress. Not the ideal way to live your life though.
It's hard to stay positive in times like this even knowing how good this week has been in the scales of things.
I've been focusing a lot on self help and neglecting the professional help. Going forward it is definitely something I really need to get sorted. I feel as though part of me is putting it off out of fear I'm going to hear something I won't like and that I'm not going to be able to afford it.
That's something I will consider more tomorrow. Yet again putting it off.
I'm going to chill out for the rest of the evening and hopefully wake up tomorrow feeling better and get back to where I was.