Well, here I am. Midnight on a Tuesday, feeding into Wednesday.
I’ve spent most of the day analysing ways to fight against my depression and putting in place ways to combat it.
Now it all seems a waste of time.
Today is a blur. Scratch that. The last few months have been a blur. A constant cycle of being up and then down. Going from feeling on top of the world to then feeling as if this is the last memory I will ever have before I can’t take it anymore and end it all.
Writing this now to find a reason to stay alive. Battling my own mind. Nothing else is relevant. I’m in that much mental pain I can’t see straight or think straight. I feel sick.
A numbness surrounds me, I don’t care about anything.
Usually so proud of my image, now I couldn’t care less. Binge eating takeaways in my car or losing my appetite to the point I won’t eat for hours on end.
Trying to feel something, anything at all.
Sleep is something I cherish so badly, now I lay awake at night for ages and then when I can finally sleep, I wake up to a dreaded feeling and want to bury my head back in the pillow and wish I never woke up.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve been somewhere or done something and can’t remember what has gone on or how I’ve got there.
I can’t bring myself to reach out to anyone most of the time. I don’t know what to say. That I want to die? That everything is too much? That I’m sick of pretending all is okay. How do I put that on someone? Burden them with my mental illness.
I feel alone. That no one can help me. All while I’m hurting people around me.
A battle I’ve been battling for too long and one that isn’t going away anytime soon.
Baby steps but back to square one every other day.
I don’t think I’ve ever been so close to killing myself.
Sat here writing this through tears of fear and pain. For me a massive deal because I rarely cry, if ever.
5% holding me back and that number gradually decreasing the more this goes on. Telling me it will be worth it. To keep going and it will get better.
No one can really understand what this is like unless you have been through it. To have been in the shoes of someone suffering from such a horrible illness. An illness that takes so many lives because people are afraid to ask for help. I have experienced pain before but it comes nowhere close to this and have no idea how to deal with it. I am genuinely scared.
This is another day I want to forget. Never return to BUT deep down knowing it will happen again.
When will it end?