Last night took a turn for the worst. The fetus position was opted for again on the edge of tears, staring blankly into space, unable to sleep or even think. I wandered the streets at some ungodly hour not knowing where I was going. Or what I was possibly going to do.
In these times I feel as though everything I do is wrong. That I am a failure and letting myself or someone down. That I shouldn't be like this.
So often the feeling of giving up comes around. One that I am unlikely to take but always not too far away.
This morning I went to the doctor's surgery to see a GP. I got an appointment at half past ten. I'm there on time, even slightly early. Then I end up sitting there for 20 minutes to even be seen. Those 20 minutes seem a long time, it wasn't like I'd waited most of the weekend to even be able to get into seeing a doctor either.
I have previously mentioned I had been referred to see a psychiatrist. This was near enough a month ago. Today I found out that a letter should have been sent to me on the 11th of January that I never received. The letter stating I needed to contact them to get put forward to an assessment. I rang them as soon as I left the surgery. First of all I had the phone put down on me. Then on my second attempt to be told I'll be put on a waiting list which could take anywhere between 6 to 12 weeks. Is that some sort of joke?
Not only am I going to have to wait 6 to 12 weeks but because I never received the letter I'm a further two and half weeks behind where I could have been.
I sat across from my usual GP today explaining further what I had been reading about and hoping to get some further clarification. Yet all I got was dismissed and that the psychiatrist would be best to diagnose me. Then we'll go from there in terms of the best help available.
That's fine I'll just wait at least another 6 weeks barely getting by just the way I am doing stuff that may or may not be helping.
I've started the week off in not a very good place and this hasn't helped at all. All I keep thinking is these people really don't give two shits about me. I'm losing faith and I'm trying so hard.
I'm in no position to look ahead at this week and say what I am going to do. Today I haven't felt like talking to anyone. Maintaining a conversation is far too difficult, let alone even being able to concentrate on anything I'm watching or to think about the future.