Down, Up And Back Down Again
I wish I could spend the day inside someone else's mind. See what it's like not to live like this.
I feel this post is going to lack a lot of optimism. I'm pretty low and down right now. Much how I started the week.
Monday I tried to change things around as I was still low following the last weekend. I took myself to the gym but quickly regretted that. I lasted all of about ten minutes. The reason behind that, for one, I am having lower back problems and the second is I couldn't get into it. There seemed to be no changing my mood.
I resorted back to my bedroom. Lay in bed. I don't think I actually did anything. Was more just resenting how I was feeling again. Staring into nothingness, unable to concentrate or find any enjoyment. Beating myself up and feeling like a failure.
Life seemed to be snowballing away from me back into a black hole of depression.
I dragged myself out of bed and to my therapist appointment in the evening. The mood I was still currently in meant that it was mostly a blur.
I talked. A lot. Not really sure of what he actually said to me, apart from talking about being compassionate towards myself.
That really stuck with me. I'm actually thankful I remembered that because right now I am being really hard on myself about how I'm currently feeling and forgetting it is okay to be compassionate.
At least maybe one good thing came out of writing this post.
The rest of the week perked up. I was feeling great. Life was progressing nicely and I was starting to feel ambitious. I was applying for jobs again. Working towards my goals in my life.
I'm not really sure what changed. Sunday was much of the same, I was feeling good. I went out with some friends, which then lead to us going bowling and then back to the pub to meet some other friends (I wasn't drinking).
I did notice my anxiety starting to get worse. Not to the point of a panic attack or anything like that but I was uncomfortable. However, it quickly passed each time. Unlike before when it would take control of me and I would have to leave.
All in all, I had a relatively good night and as I took myself to bed or probably just as I arrived home everything changed. My mind was going into overdrive. My thoughts and feelings progressively getting worse and worse. I felt the depressive blanket creeping over me. I couldn't sleep.
Eventually, I tired myself out to the point where sleep came naturally and quickly.
This morning I woke not feeling the best. How I felt last night does take its toll on you of course so it is kind of expected. The better I am at coping with it, the quicker I do bounce back. It has gone from weeks to days and sometimes now even hours before I bounce back.
I'm about to head out and try to do something enjoyable and alter my mood for the rest of the day.
I don't write these particular weekly recap posts for anyone to feel sorry for me or sympathy. I write them for people to understand what it is like to live with some form of mental illness.
That's not to say it is the same for everyone, everyone goes through it in their own way. Everyone has their own way of coping and getting through each day. Some know why it happens, others don't but the more we understand it as a society. The easier it will be for others to speak up and the more people speak up the less stigma there will be around mental health.