My Mental Health Journey | 02/07/2018 - 08/07/2018
It's hard to believe we're already into the seventh month of 2018 and the weeks still seem to be flying by.
This week has been quite difficult or at least as difficult as last week. Check out last weeks post here.
Therapy week 2
So the week started with my second therapy appointment and it was no easier making the journey there. I woke up actually feeling pleasantly well after the weekend I'd had, until about ten minutes before I had to leave and then the anxiety set in. Multiple trips to the toilet later and it wasn't letting up so I decided to just try and push through. After checking google maps I took the back roads to avoid the motorway and any traffic. With anxiety, my most common physical symptom is the excessive need to use the toilet and halfway into the journey I had to take a trip to a Tesco's to use the bathroom. Whilst there my mind was going a thousand miles an hour, negative thought after negative thought and I was on the verge of having a panic attack before quickly having to try and calm myself down, not really having much joy in doing so though.
I got back in my car honestly with all intention of driving straight home and texting my therapist saying I was unable to make it but a small part of me spurred me on to at least see how far I could get and when I thought about it I was already halfway there and I managed to make it last week. Before I knew it I was back on my way and I was sat in the office face to face with my therapist. I wish I could say it was a relief making it but it wasn't, the anxiety doesn't stop after the journey is made, my anxiety now consumes my life in almost all areas so it is a constant battle and struggle on a monumental level, day in day out there is barely a moment where it doesn't let up and then if it does often the depression is still present or other symptoms of BPD so the struggle never seems to let up. Well, at least in recent times this is how it feels.
The session itself went really well once we got into the swing of things and I did manage to calm down to a level I felt I could make it through the hour. This session we looked at the rules we live our life by and how they are formed through our experiences and thoughts and then how those affect our mood. It was quite enlightening and it was good to learn how they all linked together. I now understand the basis of it all but it is something I would like to understand further and I'm going speak to my therapist during my next session to see where I can find more information on it all as I have come up short in looking myself and then I will be able to share it in more detail with you guys.
Low Mood & Getting Out More
Similar to last week I've had a few bad days. However, this week they started earlier. After going out to watch the England game Tuesday night, I woke up Wednesday more tired than usual and my mood had definitely dropped. I'm not sure if it had anything to do with the night before with the anxiety I had experienced, how uncomfortable I had been all night and if all of that had just completely taken it out of me and I had similar experiences going out Wednesday night and on Friday also so it wasn't much of a surprise Thursday and Friday were very similar in terms of how I was feeling. Saturday and Sunday I felt much lower and at times suicidal again.
My brother and I have had people over during the weekend with the rents being away in Dublin and although I really didn't want to interact or be around anyone I tried my best to be present and get involved as and when I could. It is definitely new to me allowing myself to just be me and not always trying to be the person I think people want me to be or being a certain way to fit in and please everyone else. Likewise, when I isolate myself I feel I am trying to hide this huge part of me and how it really affects me. Yes, I write about it but writing about it and allowing people to see you that way are two completely different things.
Other than that not a lot else has happened this week. With feeling so bad I have been mainly focused on getting through each day and that consists of distracting myself usually through watching films, video games, listening to music etc.
I'm still trying to get my head around the BPD diagnosis and understand it more, obviously, it is slightly more difficult struggling with the anxiety and depression also but I'll get there one step at a time.
Thank you for reading!