01/11/2016

It's been awhile.

That's not to say everything has been great.

The last time I wrote anything here was two years ago next month and to be fair the last two years have been really good, in respect of how and where I was in my life when I was writing on this particular blog.

I have come along way, I have overcome things in my life I never thought I would be able to, I have made substantial progress in my life in terms of controlling my anxiety and it appears I have now been left with depression.

My depression isn't constant. It flares up here and there and right now it has flared up. It creeps up on me over days and sometimes even weeks and I don't always notice it but right now I am sat in the darkness of my room at 2 am with only the light of the computer screen in front of me. I FEEL NUMB. My face from how it feels is relaxed, my cheeks feel heavy, my eyes feel heavy, my head feels heavy. The thought crossed my mind of have I actually smiled today without it being a forced one to please others or to act as if everything is ok without bursting into tears and having a breakdown.

I am tired. Tired beyond belief. Not physically tired but mentally tired. I could sleep for a year and I would still wake up feeling like this. I feel as if there is no way out. I am stuck in my own head going crazy. I want to curl up in a ball and cry and scream till my lungs give up and there are no more tears. The worst part is I can't even cry. Believe me in the last few years I have tried on a semi regular basis when feeling like this, to hopefully just release some emotion but the tears don't come and I end up sat there wondering why I deserve to feel like this and others can be so happy.

Work was impossible today. I probably spent a total combined time of about an hour sat in various different toilet cubicles reevaluating my life and how could I escape. I hate to say it but killing myself was an option along with running away and again sleeping right there in a toilet stall that stank of shit.

Nothing mattered. Nothing does matter. I can't see the point in anything and If I try and think, my head starts to hurt more and more.

I don't know what to do.

But for now I am going to sleep.

I will try again tomorrow.