08/10/14

Right now my heads gone, I could feel myself almost slipping into this low mood, I was just relaxing watching a film and my mind started racing, worry being the main focus yet again, I tried calming myself down doing my breathing exercises and at first they worked, bringing me to a mindful state but quickly the thoughts and worry came back and each time the same, all I want to do right now is sleep and not have to deal with it but writing down what is going on right now is helping slightly, focusing my mind on something other than my own thoughts. It's almost funny that the cause and solution to all of this, is in my own head. That lasted about 20 minutes before it subsided but it felt so much longer. - I wrote that last night whilst having a small panic episode. It didn't really end there either, it affected my mood for the rest of the night and into this morning as well.

One of the main things people say to me when I'm struggling is 'think positive'. Now I appreciate the words of advise but that's what I do constantly, I try to turn every situation around and find the positives and look past the negativity but inevitably my mind and many others automatically go back to negative thoughts, we have almost conditioned our selfs into this situation over time and now that's our normal response. There's times when I feel like giving up when I can't find the positives in doing anything or the cons outweigh the pros and my nature is to avoid doing said thing because I can't see there being any enjoyment. Now I can speak from both sides as pushing through on occasions and amidst all the negativity forcing myself out, on the chance that I might have a good time and once I'm out and about and my anxiety settles, I will often have a good time but I don't focus on these occasions, I focus on the times when I force myself out and then I have to leave for numerous reasons and then I overthink it so much that next time I won't bother attempting.

Actually writing that last paragraph down made me realise a lot, it's seeing it in front of your face, you can't push it to the back of your mind and hide from it, you have to face it, it's that I need to focus less on the bad occasions and more on the good ones, trying to condition myself out of my now natural way of thinking. It's so easy to write it down and say I'm going to do this but this is what needs to be done.

CBT is great and I would recommend anyone to go on a course who is suffering with anxiety, there will be parts which don't comply to you and you will be sat there thinking what's the point in this but stick it out trust me. My first session to be honest, I thought it wasn't for me and didn't really want to go back and others in my group said similar but I said to myself what if I was to miss this opportunity and it could be the key to helping me. I'm 5 weeks in now and it's got the ball rolling and has given me the tools to help me. You have to remember CBT is a continuous programme that gives you the knowledge and tools to help you, they're not going to magically fix your stress and anxiety problems and you have to continue using them after the course ends.