04/10/14

Every day is a challenge not knowing what mood I'm going to wake up in, what it could be which will affect my mood today. How long it will last? Will I be able to snap out of it? and I have all of these negative thoughts swarming through my mind from the moment I wake up till the moment I go to sleep, it almost makes me feel like my head is going to explode and I'm constantly tired! To constantly worry about everything in my life and other people and stuff that isn't even in my control just gets too much sometimes and sucks the enjoyment out of doing every little thing to the point where it is better to just avoid doing anything than suffer trying to.

I find my self alone most of the time, don't feel sorry for me, it's where I feel most comfortable, I don't have to worry about anyone else and I can come to terms with what is going on in my head. But there is the other side when I have a panic attack or just generally feel low and the company of others is often nice, not to distract myself, but to not feel alone whilst I'm going through this.

The last few mornings I've woke up and my head feels so heavy and all I want to do is go straight back to sleep, I've been off work for a week now and have been trying to do as little as possible to recuperate and not put my self in stressful and anxious situations, but each morning after sleeping for at least 10 hours I wake just wanting to sleep longer or lay there trying to decipher how I'm feeling and how I'm going to have to be around people on the present day, am I going to hide away to try and maintain my relationships or am I going to try and get on with my life and risk causing confrontation that I don't want but it inevitably happens.

It centres my life, It's my main topic of conversation, It's what people associate me with now and I hate it. I don't wish it never happened to me because I am who I am and I wouldn't want to change for anyone but I just wish I knew what caused this or is this just me and its something I've always had, because I spend most of my time racing through my mind trying to find what is the cause and once I find what the cause is or if it is just me I feel I can move forward and deal with my anxiety.

I'm only so far up the ladder and when I take the time and look how far I've come it reinforces that I will be able to deal with this and one day be in a lot better position but to anyone who is reading this and going through what I'm going through don't be scared to make the steps to getting better, don't be scared of a thought or feeling, they are temporary and you will be able to deal with this.